If her dad calls me, I’ll lose it – and other things I say to my tweenager.

It’s been an interesting few weeks around our household.  The end of school is just around the corner, four dreadfully long days away.  I can almost taste the freedom of sleeping in, not having to worry about making lunches, not having to ensure gym clothes are clean, not running hither and yon for whatever project of the week “we” need to do.

I think this summer will be a long one for my fifth {almost sixth} grader.

See, he has his first girlfriend.

He’s liked this gal all year.  She turned him down when school first started, telling him that her dad didn’t let her date.  Date.  In fifth grade.  OF COURSE HE DOESN’T.

So, finally, after the two of them have been best buddies all year, she asked him a couple of weeks ago if he wanted to be in a “secret relationship.”

I guess in fifth grade, it’s not cool to tell your friends you like someone of the opposite sex, so you keep your relationship secret and then lie if people say, “Hey, I think you like Susie!”  You scream no!  And run…and then go tell Susie you did that, and she understands.  Because THAT is the way it is.  Or so I hear.

So, he made her wait overnight for his answer {back pat, good job, son} and told her he would agree to her terms.  So now he refers to her as his “GF.”  I asked him if that is what the kids all say now {even though technically none of them should admit they have a GF since no one is supposed to like anyone} and he said he made it up.  I guess when he gets married and becomes someone’s DH, he’ll say he made that one up, too.

I asked him what they do at school, since they are “going out” but not really going ANYWHERE…they talk.  They talk about her horses.  Riveting.  I guess, if you are 11 – which I am not – thankfully.  I don’t think I could follow all of their social rules.  I would definitely be an outcast.  Ohhh yeah.

Last week, he wanted to Skype with her.  I’m all, “Didn’t you just see her thirty minutes ago?  Skype is for people who are in different COUNTRIES.  You’ll see her in Social Studies tomorrow, dude.”  He didn’t get it.  Her Skype was apparently broken anyway – whatever that even means.  I’ve never Skyped, nor do I plan to.  I barely want to talk on the phone, much less let someone see me talk on the phone.  Then they will know I’m rolling my eyes and staring at the clock waiting for the torture of talking on the phone to end.

Text me.  DO NOT CALL ME.  Text me.  I am too busy to talk on the phone unless you are John Mayer.  The end.

So, he jumped in the car today to tell me he got her number.  Woot.  “I’m going to call her all summer long!!” he says.  I DO NOT THINK SO.  I explain the rules to him, slowly, because he is male and they do not listen or comprehend things well.

You only talk to her if she calls YOU.  You only get one phone call per day.  You can only talk for fifteen minutes.

“Whyyyyyy???” he shrieks, “Whyyyyy moooooom?”

Because you are 11.  You are not 20.  And besides that, you will have nothing to talk about after three minutes.  I promise.  I’m married to your stepfather and I’m perfectly okay with one fifteen minute call per day – and usually far less.  Horse talk cannot last forever.  AND IT WILL NOT.

He wasn’t happy.  Tonight I took him to his school’s “social.”  I guess that’s some fancy word for “11 and 12 year olds running around outside sweating and eating snack food.”  The GF didn’t go.  She probably had to brush her horses.  He was upset she wasn’t going to be there, but went anyway.  When I picked him up, he complained that it was no fun without her.

“I’m going to text her and tell her it would have been more fun if she was there.”


Again the shriek – the whyyyy moooom whyyyy cry that kids do.

Because, if you text her that, you will look like a crazy stalker and then her dad is going to call me.  Because you are both ELEVEN.  If her dad calls me, I’ll LOSE IT.

I’m not kidding – I WILL LOSE IT.

From the back of the car, I hear a phone snap shut {yes he has an old flip phone still, but he has a PHONE} and a sigh that lasted for twenty seconds.

Buckle up kids, the next seven years should be fun.



  1. Better you than me lol! I love it. I have a 3.5 and 1.5 year old so hopefully I got at least 10 years before I have to start dealing with this hehe! And Horses…..I do say times have changed since I was in 5th grade haha!

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